How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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