I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
