So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
