i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
