i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Small penises have feelings too.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize