Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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