You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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