I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
