I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
