People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
