I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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