you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
