My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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