I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
