Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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