well I can't set my house on fire every night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
