I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize