I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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