You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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