Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
