I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
