We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
