Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
