Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
