It's like God shit irony all over that family
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
