One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
