remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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