Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
