just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My balls are so social today.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
