If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize