Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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