My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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