Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
