I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
