I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
