cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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