When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
