yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
