I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
