'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
