Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
