thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
