i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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