he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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