I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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