So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
