Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
