Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
