I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
