Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize
