i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
