Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
