I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize