I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize