At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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