No stitches, just platelets and will power
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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