I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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