Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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