franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
