Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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