I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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