You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
